


All That Matters

by islasands



Series: Lambski [62]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Humpback Whales, Love, M/M, Sex, Suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-19
Updated: 2012-07-19
Packaged: 2017-11-10 07:05:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islasands/pseuds/islasands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam is exhausted, worn out by so much of his life being on show. It is good to be home, back in his own bed, back in his own head, and properly back in his lovers' arms. It is nice having time to catch up on, or remember, the things that really matter to him.</p><p>I wrote this ficlet while listening to Alicia Keyes' "If I Ain't Got You". I was of two minds whether to add the song to the story. I liked the song's statements about fame and fortune being meaningless without love. And I was thinking about how Adam's private life really is that, - private. </p><p>So I added the song. You might like to listen while you read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That Matters

"If I Ain't Got You"

  


Alicia Keyes

  


 

He took a handful of Sauli's sleeve and used it to pull him forcefully through the crowd, avoiding the unwelcome approaches of strangers by wearing a gracious but fixed smile. They made it safely to the elevator. Sauli chatted to him as they walked to the car. It took a while for him to register that Adam’s replies were both late and short. As they each opened their doors to the car their eyes met across the roof of the car. “Home,” Adam said, throwing back his head. Sauli pulled a face of happy relief. “Viimein,” he agreed. They drove in silence for the entire journey but when Sauli suddenly drew up his knees and rested his head on them Adam reached out a hand and caressed the nape of his neck. Poor little bastard, he thought. But he might have been thinking about himself.

When they got home they had a rip roaring argument about nothing. Sauli was too tired to contribute much in the way of fuel for a non-existent fire and went to bed. He wasn’t as good as Adam at dreaming up nothing. He put his hands on Adam’s shoulders. “I have to sleep,” he said. He planted a perfunctory kiss on Adam’s lips, smiling inwardly at the childlike way his dear love always pushed his lips out during arguments. A small flare of aggrieved self-love lit up in a corner of Adam’s mind but he let it go out. “Suit yourself,” he said, turning away. In truth he was happy for Sauli to leave him alone. He had started the argument for that very purpose. 

*** 

He didn’t want to think, especially about work. He was sick of how work preoccupied his every waking moment. Most of all though, when he thought about it, he was sick of being looked at. Sick of all the hopeful, besotted, questioning or critical eyes. Yes, it went with the territory of his life now, but sometimes, - sometimes he just plain wanted to be lonely in a crowd. He laid down on the couch and flicked through the television channels. His choice of what to watch came down to two documentaries, one about the victims of Dachau and one about the mating rituals of humpback whales. He flicked to and fro between the channels, frowning at the indignity of having the power to do so. A remote for keeping things remote. Suffering and sex. He sighed at the impotence of giving a damn in either case and was about to give up watching when the camera suddenly zoomed in on a photograph of the prisoners eyes, highlighting their uncomprehending animal like stares. When he quickly flicked back to the humpback documentary there happened to be a close up of one of their eyes. He was taken aback by the similarity in the expressions of the prisoners and the whale. It was the look of life itself, he thought, intensely blank like the eyes of an infant, - incapable of sentient commentary. Those men had been stripped of all words, he thought, and the whale never knew any.

“The songs of the humpback whale,” the voice in the television said, “suggest that their love lives are definitely more than chemical mechanics and evolutionary dynamics.” So is suffering, he thought.

***

Adam sighed. He turned off the television and stared at the ceiling. He breathed in the silence and darkness that were briefly exaggerated when the screen died. He felt something stirring in his chest. It felt like a thin stream of water bubbling up from a spring. It was such a palpable sensation he placed his hand inside his clothing and laid it over where he thought his heart was. The bubbling sensation suddenly translated itself into action. He jumped up and ran to the bedroom. He switched on the light and leapt on the bed and grabbed Sauli who jerked awake, alarmed, and tried to sit up. “What happens? What is happening?” he said, blinking at the light. Adam bear-hugged him as he fell back on the pillow. He clutched him as tightly as possible. “You did,” he crowed. “You happened. You!” He kissed at Sauli’s face, not really caring where his lips landed. “You,” he repeated. His elation began to soften. His kisses found Sauli’s lips and he didn't mind that they were wanting in reciprocation. “I want to get in you,” he murmured. He shook his head. “No, listen. I want to fuck you - you have no idea...” 

Sauli wriggled free from his arms. He pulled back and looked in Adam’s eyes. His sleep-befuddled thoughts cleared. “You may,” he said politely. He sat up and began to undo Adam’s pants. Adam smiled at the cordiality of his response. “I’m your humpback whale,” he said as he rolled his naked body on top of Sauli. “I sing as I fuck. Listen carefully.” 

***

And when their act of mating took place, and Sauli’s legs were over his shoulders, and his hands were using them as levers of resistance, - the vehemence of his fucking was heightened by the unforgiving nature of the electric light overhead. It showed him everything he wanted to see. A fine ligament of saliva was stretched between his lover’s parted lips. The knuckles of his fists, gripping the pillow on either side of his head, glowed beneath their stretched skin casing. His frown lines and freckles were so clearly defined he wanted to count them. And his eyes, looking into Adam’s as though into space, were such a clear clinical blue that his gaze seemed sharp cut and accusing. "This is how it is," Adam said, using his hips to add emphasis and Sauli, ever obliging in matters of the heart, cried out in agreement. 

Adam disengaged Sauli’s legs and laid them down gently. He knelt over him. He kissed him. He couldn’t help feeling that his kiss was solemnly tender. Sauli drew his head down onto his chest. “Fuck,” he said. “Fuck,” he said again as Adam slid down his body. “I am hearing you.”

***

Sauli fell asleep in Adam’s arms. The light was out. Their bed felt like an island floating in the dark, a small world of no consequence to anyone but themselves. After a while Adam too closed his eyes. He remembered the look in the eyes of the prisoners of Dachau. He remembered the song of the humpback whale. It was such a sad, strong, and joyous song. “I love you,” he suddenly said out loud and it was not just to his love. It was to the air. To life. To everything that lives and everything that doesn’t. He caressed Sauli’s shoulder. It was all that mattered really. His nose caught a whiff of the smell of semen. It’s poignantly acrid notes accompanied him to sleep. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
